For the past two months, my husband and I have spent five nights a week sleeping in separate beds. The master bedroom is still our base camp – wardrobes, chests of drawers, hairdryers, phone chargers and laundry basket included. But once pyjamas are on, we kiss each other goodnight and he troops upstairs to the spare room. We are in the throes of a ‘sleep divorce’ – and to a large extent, all the better for it.
‘Your bed partner can be a significant contributor to your poor sleep,’ sleep researcher Dr Neil Stanley, co-author of A Sleep Divorce: How To Sleep Apart, Not Fall Apart. ‘It is a Hollywood myth that you fall asleep in each other’s arms. In reality, after five minutes of cuddling, you start getting uncomfortable or getting pins and needles and so you say, “Right, I’m going to sleep now,” and then you both move to the opposite sides of the bed and never the twain shall meet!’
‘Your bed partner can be a significant contributor to your poor sleep'
I find this very comforting. Our sleep divorce makes perfect sense – my husband is a snorer, I’m a light sleeper and for 15 years we have experienced broken nights, deep fatigue and resentment that bleeds well into the next day. As a result of separate rooms, we are not only infinitely better rested, we are also kinder to each other. But it’s hard to shake the feeling that sleeping apart is detrimental to our relationship, and making an unwelcome statement about our physical closeness.
What to read next
‘The advice to sleep separately is not for everyone, but if it works for you both, it’s a mature, pragmatic solution to a problem and has no bearing on the strength, or otherwise, of your relationship,’ counters Dr Stanley. ‘Potentially, sleeping separately will mean that you will sleep better and thus feel better and happier and more in the mood for romance.’
The benefits of sleeping apart
There is no doubt that we are both better rested and more energetic since our sleep divorce. We are setting the alarm early enough for exercise. We are also eating better – nothing drives me to sugar more than deep afternoon fatigue, and I’m not alone – a large US study revealed that people who averaged six hours of sleep per night were 27% more likely to be overweight than those who got seven to nine hours.
We are also more forgiving and less snappy with the teenage children. So far, so good – particularly because, as a health writer, I had worried incessantly about the damage that years of shattered sleep was wreaking on my brain, my metabolism and my inflammatory markers. ‘Poor sleep has been associated with increased mortality, heart disease, stroke, depression diabetes, obesity and even some cancers,’ confirms Dr Stanley. ‘There is no good thing about poor sleep.’ Even my memory improved once I started getting unbroken sleep.
But there is one fairly significant downside – and that is intimacy. I am happier to exchange togetherness for better sleep than my husband, who is eagerly awaiting the time when the sleep divorce might come to an end. But according to Dr Stanley, it’s up to the couple to make time for intimacy – particularly important when you’re sleeping in separate bedrooms. I have taken note.
‘Couples need to ensure that not sleeping together does not affect their intimacy’
‘Couples need to ensure that not sleeping together does not affect their intimacy,’ he says. ‘Sleeping apart is not a punishment – it’s a way of getting better sleep. Have cuddles before sleep and in the morning. Tell your partner that you love them. Look to the positives of getting better sleep and make time for intimacy.’
In the end, the message from most sleep experts is that you have to accept your hardwiring when it comes to sleep. This includes when to go bed; as Dr Stanley observes: ‘Going to bed two hours later than you would like to, just so you can retire with your partner, is not doing either of you any favours. In fact, the chances are it will have a negative impact on your relationship in the long run.’
While a spare room is helpful, it’s not a prerequisite to separate sleeping. If there is no guest bedroom, Dr Stanley recommends having ‘a mattress (comfortable and pre-made) available in another room such as a study or children’s room for nights when separation is needed.’
He tells me that our agreement – five nights apart during the working week, two together at the weekend, can be a good compromise, as it allows ‘couples to keep connected using the main room as a base and just sleep elsewhere’. Above all, he is clear that separate rooms doesn’t have to mean less sex. Of all the couples that he and co-author Jennifer Adams interviewed for the book none saw sleeping separately as a reason for less sex. ‘Busy lives, children, stress and getting older were all cited as reasons for a reduction in cuddling, kissing and sex, but most interviewees felt the intimate part of their relationship benefited from being more rested.’
